Our Family - Learning Responsibility

 

By Cheryl Merrick

Since we knew how important it would be to our children to develop confidence in their own abilities, we tried very hard to teach them responsibility. 

From when they were tots, we gave our children jobs to do. We tried to be very careful to make sure the tasks were a little challenging, but something they could accomplish well. At first it was mainly just taking care of themselves: help to pick up their toys, make their bed (pull up their small quilt), bush their teeth, get dressed, put their clothes in the laundry basket, fold washcloths, and other small things they usually did with some help. I made little charts for the kids. There was a path of a few squares leading to an ice cream cone (sometimes a small toy or fun thing to do). They got to put on a sticker each time they did one of their jobs. It was a special day when they put their last sticker on and got their reward. 

As they increased in abilities, so did their responsibilities. The kids each had jobs that they were assigned to do in the house and/or outside each week before they could have their dessert and watch their “Saturday tape”. They were allowed to choose from the TV listings good shows they wanted to watch, but weren’t able to because they were on a time they weren’t at home, or in bed, or busy with activities or school work.  Garrett made a video tape of the things they wanted to see on Friday night or Saturday morning or evening when their work was done. 

I had a bulletin board that I made with two pockets for each child. I made cards with a picture or a note telling each child what they had to do. When they were done, they put their card in their “done” pocket. I could change the assignments easily by just moving the cards to a different person. I also put any notes for that person in their “to do” pocket. This helped them to be responsible for their own lives instead of it all being dependent on me hounding them to do the things they needed to get done.

Sometimes it was hard to hold to our goals. Other times, I struggled to keep a straight face when I had to step over a “dying” six foot twelve-year-old spread across my kitchen floor who claimed he had to eat now and would work later, or when I had to listen to the very “logical” reasons presented of why I should do all the work in our home.  Of course, we had a lot of flexibility and made changes when really needed, but we tried to do this rarely so they could learn to take responsibility for their own lives.

One day right before school started, we took our kids out and bought them new clothes for school. With Garrett’s postal salary, it was a real challenge for us to buy all that four children needed for school. Right after we got home, our son had to mow the grass. Against our instructions, he wore his new shoes, and then complained that he needed a new pair because his new shoes were now ruined. That day he learned about taking the consequences for his actions.

We decided to do what another family did (Linda and Richard Eyre, the parents of 9 children, who wrote books on parenting). When they were twelve, we gave our children an opportunity to earn more money helping around the house and yard. This money they could use to buy their own school clothes. It was challenging to allow them to learn from their own experiences, but they eventually made better choices. The next year, our son was adamant about taking off “his” shoes before doing anything that might get them dirty.  Another time, a child put all his money into buying one very expensive shirt. I wondered about this decision, but soon found out that he looked great in it, took good care of it, and washed it often. As a Mom, I learned to trust my children to know what was right for them. 

One thing the kids learned was that they wanted to avoid the “Grunk”. The “Grunk” was a fictional character who ate trash and anything left on the floor. I thought he was wonderful. When I heard my child bellow demanding why they couldn’t find something of theirs, I sympathetically replied that the Grunk must have gotten it. Eventually, the Grunk returned their items, but sometimes it took a while. 

Not only did we have the Grunk to help keep our home orderly, our children also each had their own special basket. I put clean clothes for them to put away in these baskets, and they put things in it that they wanted to take downstairs later. It just wasn’t reasonable to run up and down the stairs for each small thing. This gave a holding area for things that were on their way to their “home”.

When we had a crawling baby in the house, we didn’t need the Grunk. The moment a school book or paper hit the floor, the baby rushed over to get it. With a yell, the book or paper was quickly picked up. 

Recognizing that we had some very creative children, we thought about how to make it easier to take care of their things. We tried to make a “user friendly” environment for our children’s growth. We gave them tools appropriately sized for small hands and bodies, put hooks low so they could hang up their own clothes and coats, and gave bins for clothes and toys. The test was if they could stand a few feet away and throw the item in the basket, then it worked for them.

We decided to put our sons in one room and our daughters in another room. This left a large closet for everyone’s clothes, the attic for art projects complete with an essel, and a larger room near their bedrooms for all their toys. Here they could build forts out of blankets, set up housekeeping, build a village out of Legos, or whatever they wanted and come back to it the next day. Once a week we all put things away, so we could have a new start the next week. It was wonderful not to have clothes and toys homogenized in a messy pile on the floor, or to worry about the kids getting up at night and falling over toys. This worked well when they were young and saved time and energy that had before gone into room cleaning battles. 

Another thing that saved effort and preserved the finish on our hardwood floors was our “the dirt stops here policy”. By the outside door we used, we had shelves and a place to sit so we could take off our shoes and put on slippers to wear in the house. Since everyone had some cleaning responsibility, they were the ones who enforced this house rule. 

We tried to teach our children to earn their rewards. Our children were proud when they earned half the money for a full sized bike. We supplied the other half of the money. They really felt that the bike was “theirs”, that they had earned it, and they took good care of their bikes. 

When David was older he was given a small old sports car in payment for helping to build our neighbor’s home. David wanted us to “just put it on our insurance”. We had to explain to him the facts that as a young man, his insurance was very expensive, and he would have to pay for it himself. At first he was shocked and angry, but later he was proud of his independence. 

Being a Mom with very little health and energy, it was such a big help to me to have our children learning to be responsible for their own things and to have them help around the house. It also gave me the time and energy to give them more individual attention. Far more important than just keeping a clean house, was the satisfaction of seeing our children develop confidence in their own ability to care for themselves and deal with life.